Alphabet City: B is for Booty Crisis!

Hello! I’m your booty nurse. Listen, we need to talk. You’re having a booty crisis and you need help. Honey, all that sad energy stored in your tukkus is making your bottom unhappy. What you need is a booty-cation on Planet Rump. So, get ready to blast off!

Nurse Jezebel: Under any circumstances should anyone get butt implants, wear underwear that sculpts your tush, or wear butt pads? How about those new Skechers that are meant to firm your glutes?

Miss Strawberry: No!

DJ Tantric: Hells no! I saw a tranny once with butt-plants – it was horrible. I love trannies, though.

Nasty Ness: Hold up! It’s OK if these things help you reach self-booty love! So many people are afraid of their booties. Except butt implants. That might be too much.

I blasted off to Planet Rump this weekend and caught up with Miss Strawberry, DJ Tantric, and Nasty Ness at B-Side on Avenue B, a nice little nook for bottom worshipers. The problem from Earth I brought to these glute gurus: there are a lot of self-conscious bottoms out there, which are afraid to shake their dukes. These booty shamers sour parties and spread rotten energy. What are we Earthlings to do?

First, some booty-cation. KC and the Sunshine Band had the first positive booty message, telling us to shake our booties in 1976, but as time went on, booty became synonymous as “whack.” For instance, Snoop Dog, in Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic” raps in “Fuck Wit Dre Day” that your lyrics are “bootylicious,” meaning that you rap like a girl. Of course, booty would later be reclaimed in hip hop parlance as something positive, as in when Beyonce tells us in 2001 on her “Survivor” disc that she is curvy and bootylicious.

Nurse Jezebel: So, can you please tell us where Planet Rump is in case our readers haven’t visited yet?

DJ Tantric: Actually, Planet Rump is inside you.

Nasty Ness: Yeah, don’t feel confined by society. There is a dance utopia inside your ass.

Miss Strawberry: Just free your mind and your rump will follow.

It is true; recognizing how fly your trunk is boosts confidence. In mainstream music these days, it is often empowering for women to sing or rap about the eminence of their curves and shapes, similar to how men flaunt their cars, Rolexes, or hilltop mansions. Beyonce says you’re not ready for her jelly. Fergie wants you to worship her humps and lovely lady lumps. Peaches says the fatherfuckers are not ready for the motherfuckers. And, Planet Rump, in “Humping Without Warning” raps, “I just wanna dance with my funky self/ Get outta my tree, you ain’t the Keebler Elf!”

Nurse Jezebel: So, do you guys like Donna Summer?

DJ Tantric: We love Donna Summer. Actually, she came to Bette Midler’s Halloween party that I was DJ’ing this year. Donna can really shake it.

Miss Strawberry: What kind of music does Bette Midler like?

Nasty Ness: Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young?

DJ Tantric: Yeah. Crosby, Stills, and Nash played the party too – no Young though.

Nurse Jezebel: Lastly: what is Planet Rump’s favorite jewel?

DJ Tantric: I love Sapphires. Saffire is also the name of one of my favorite bands, a bunch of twelve year-old girls who sound like REM.

Nurse Jezebel: Wow! I bet those girls will be used up by the time they’re thirteen, so I better look them up tomorrow!

Here is a live video of Planet Rump having a booty crisis at South Paw:

Here is a link to a rare video of DJ Tantric’s favorite band Saffire playing their hit “Turnaround” at the Brooklyn Skate Park.

You should also check out these booty bombing artists whom you are likely to encounter at Planet Rump’s monthly Booty Crisis party:

Zuzuka Poderosa
Chico Mann
DJ Dirty Finger
Hiro tha Jap
Tayisha Busay
Gordon Voidwell

by Thomas Wilk